On the ubiquitous and terrifying Facebook, American Theater Magazine posted this
"American Theatre magazine Quote for the day, from playwright Justin Tanner: "Writing a play is like trying to fold a parachute so it fits into an Altoids container."
In the spirit of this simile, I shall offer to you, the Internet, some other proper and goodly ways in which writing a play is like something else. See below.
Writing a play is like driving in the snow without wheels or a car.
Writing a play is like building on sand with something that probably isn't sand.
Writing a play is like becoming a butterfly but then you just sit there not flying and being like "C'mon check me out."
Writing a play is like writing a novel only you describe less stuff.
Writing a play is like writing a poem that is falling on you from the top of a bookshelf.
Writing a play is toothless, grunting, but weirdly young-ish.
Writing a play is like aspiring to become President but instead becoming a member of a local VFW.
Writing a play is like going to war with Puerto Rico over copyright.
Writing a play is like building a building.
Writing a play is like hobbling together a bunch of nonsense that ends in under two hours because hey, think about the subscribers.
Writing a play is like inviting a star from Hollywood to a party where you very quickly run of out of the good beer and everyone has to drink Old Milwaukee.
Writing a play is the culmination of years of study and isn't that embarrassing?
Writing a play is like throwing eggs at a ballerina.
Writing a play leaves you hanging, yo.
Writing a play is like sitting up for hours and hours and guess what? Still nothing.
Writing a play is like discovering penmanship late in life.
Writing a play is like texting with ghosts.
Writing a play stops you before you kill again.
Writing a play is like seeing something hovering in the distance and then going, like, "Did you see that?" and your friend says, "No" and you're the one that winds up looking foolish even though there was absolutely something there you swear.
Writing a play is like being granted immortality and then slipping on an ice cube and breaking your wrist.
Writing a play is like hunkering down over a hole you dug yourself.
Writing a play smells like pickles and raspberry jam.
Writing a play is like being a nincompoop, a moron, in a terrific outfit.
Writing a play impresses your Dad and lets him down at the same time.
Writing a play is like playing checkers with someone who is playing Connect Four.
Writing a play is like being Adam Rapp sometimes, but most of the time, only Adam Rapp feels that way.
Writing a play is roundabout way of saying "Hey John Simon, I'd like you to see me without pants. It's awesome for me and it's going to be totally awesome for you too."
Writing a play is, it turns out, entirely unlike sports.
Writing a play is like climbing Mt. Saint WhoGivesAShit.
Writing a play is like wrestling with a greased up doyenne.
Writing a play is like cornering a bucket of water. Now you're in for it, you bucket of water you.
Writing a play is like shoving a turnip into a firing squad.
Writing a play is like spinning a noodle on the tip of a penny.
Writing a play hurts for a second, but then you stop whining about it.
Writing a play bruises people with that one weird condition that makes you bruise easily.
Writing a play is like climbing a ladder to failure.
Writing a play is like opening a letter and inside you find another letter and inside that letter you find your own name written down and... now what are you supposed to do?
Writing a play is like coming up with an idea that's shaped like the number seven.
Writing a play is like Bikram Yoga if you're an asshole.
Writing a play is like haranguing an Orangutan.
Writing a play is like playing basketball with a stadium filled with rubberneckers.
Writing a play is like making my problems your own and thanks for that, you sucker.
That is all for now. If you think of more, please, my comments section is your playground.
- Matthew Freeman is a Brooklyn based playwright with a BFA from Emerson College. His plays include THE DEATH OF KING ARTHUR, REASONS FOR MOVING, THE GREAT ESCAPE, THE AMERICANS, THE WHITE SWALLOW, AN INTERVIEW WITH THE AUTHOR, THE MOST WONDERFUL LOVE, WHEN IS A CLOCK, GLEE CLUB, THAT OLD SOFT SHOE and BRANDYWINE DISTILLERY FIRE. He served as Assistant Producer and Senior Writer for the live webcast from Times Square on New Year's Eve 2010-2012. As a freelance writer, he has contributed to Gamespy, Premiere, Complex Magazine, Maxim Online, and MTV Magazine. His plays have been published by Playscripts, Inc., New York Theatre Experience, and Samuel French.