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Matthew Freeman is a Brooklyn based playwright with a BFA from Emerson College. His plays include THE DEATH OF KING ARTHUR, REASONS FOR MOVING, THE GREAT ESCAPE, THE AMERICANS, THE WHITE SWALLOW, AN INTERVIEW WITH THE AUTHOR, THE MOST WONDERFUL LOVE, WHEN IS A CLOCK, GLEE CLUB, THAT OLD SOFT SHOE and BRANDYWINE DISTILLERY FIRE. He served as Assistant Producer and Senior Writer for the live webcast from Times Square on New Year's Eve 2010-2012. As a freelance writer, he has contributed to Gamespy, Premiere, Complex Magazine, Maxim Online, and MTV Magazine. His plays have been published by Playscripts, Inc., New York Theatre Experience, and Samuel French.

Monday, October 12, 2009

I apologize

My blogging lately has been weak. Light. Harmless. Linking to articles. Substantially useless. Soon, David Cote will come to beat me senseless.

I apologize.

Here is how I apologize:

1. I would like to apologize to all the people I've hurt with my lack of blogging. You know you deserve this sort of treatment, but when it actually happens you act all surprised.

2. My apologies to the ladies. To be specific: all the ladies.

3. If this were an actual apology I would be crying uncontrollably, and probably saying it into a mirror. The question is: am I?

4. Blogging, while it once gave me pleasure, has started to really hurt my back. I used to be able to blog all day. Or at least for several hours at a shot. Now I can only blog when I feel well-rested, or if there's no football game on. I apologize for becoming older.

5. To blog is to wear the fashion of guile. I am trying on a new hat: a guileless hat.

6. I apologize to you for what I am, and what I am not, and how those things intersect publicly.

7. I apologize to the Internet and the World Wide Web and whatever the difference is.

8. I apologize to Skidmore College, in whose computer lab I first saw an actual webpage (Yahoo!) and didn't really understand what the fuck it was. I still sort of don't. It's like TV that doesn't move and that I can type on. In that way, it's like a series of shorter unedited books? Basically this is bullshit, isn't it?

9. For the things I am about to do to an audience, I would like to apologize in advance. It was never my intention.

10. Blogging is like Twitter only with complete thoughts. I no longer have complete thoughts. Not even this one.

11. My humblest apologies to Leonard Jacobs, who I have disappointed. I know I have.

12. To the purveyors of the First Folio Shakespeare Acting Method, I do not apologize. In fact, stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

13. This blog apologizes on behalf of Matthew Freeman, who is a Spambot from Russia. You are now on the list. Giver to her Pleasure with the Macho You can B3come.

14. In the future, everyone will stop blogging for 15 minutes.

15. I would like to apologize to the staff. They really never signed up for all this. They, once again, have shown patience and kindness to me in a situation that was not of their making. For this, I pay them handsomely.


Leonard Jacobs said...

Oh, I'm touched! I mean, as in get-thee-to-Bellevue touched.

Brian said...

12. To the purveyors of the First Folio Shakespeare Acting Method, I do not apologize. In fact, stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

joshcon80 said...

In doing research for my erotic brunch play for Youngblood I read your play "The White Swallow".

It was an exquisite treat. You, sir, are a gem.

Freeman said...

I feel like Bette Davis in All About Eve!