Here's my nine-point plan for the global economy:
1. The credit crisis is fundamentally about a lack of confidence in the banking system. We desperately need the Fed and the Treasury to create an emergency fund to supply bankers with unlimited lap dances in the Champagne Room in order to boost their confidence.
2. Don't sell out your stocks or mutual funds. Try smoking them instead.
3. Buy shares in the Internet. It's too big to fail.
4. Start hoarding leather scraps. Can be boiled for broth.
5. Pull out your member (if so equipped) and slap Sarah Palin across the face with it. Is that sexist? Okay, McCain then.
6. Keep tabs on the market indexes by reloading your browser every few minutes. Seriously, it helps.
7. Stockpile intoxicating spirits. (Obvious.)
8. Consider retiring later. Like 85.
9. Grab your ass with both hands and hold on.
As for my own personal plan, I'm going to:
1. Reduce unnecessary monthly expenses, i.e. pants.
2. Start sleeping in my car down on the Brooklyn waterfront.
3. Acquire cheaper vices, i.e. sexing the homeless.
4. Back-up job plan: assembling people's IKEA shit in exchange for gold and silver jewelry.
5. Back-up retirement plan: wandering, naked and raving, in wilderness.
Like Paul Krugman, I'm going to permit you lunatics to comment on my ideas. Go for it.