About Me

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Matthew Freeman is a Brooklyn based playwright with a BFA from Emerson College. His plays include THE DEATH OF KING ARTHUR, REASONS FOR MOVING, THE GREAT ESCAPE, THE AMERICANS, THE WHITE SWALLOW, AN INTERVIEW WITH THE AUTHOR, THE MOST WONDERFUL LOVE, WHEN IS A CLOCK, GLEE CLUB, THAT OLD SOFT SHOE and BRANDYWINE DISTILLERY FIRE. He served as Assistant Producer and Senior Writer for the live webcast from Times Square on New Year's Eve 2010-2012. As a freelance writer, he has contributed to Gamespy, Premiere, Complex Magazine, Maxim Online, and MTV Magazine. His plays have been published by Playscripts, Inc., New York Theatre Experience, and Samuel French.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Kyle's Plan for the Economy

David, actor and friend, asked Kyle, director and friend, as "the only one of our group the reads The Economist" for his plan to save us all during the financial melt down. Kyle provided his answer over e-mail. I wanted to share his wisdom with you, as we head into the weekend.

Here's my nine-point plan for the global economy:

1. The credit crisis is fundamentally about a lack of confidence in the banking system. We desperately need the Fed and the Treasury to create an emergency fund to supply bankers with unlimited lap dances in the Champagne Room in order to boost their confidence.
2. Don't sell out your stocks or mutual funds. Try smoking them instead.
3. Buy shares in the Internet. It's too big to fail.
4. Start hoarding leather scraps. Can be boiled for broth.
5. Pull out your member (if so equipped) and slap Sarah Palin across the face with it. Is that sexist? Okay, McCain then.
6. Keep tabs on the market indexes by reloading your browser every few minutes. Seriously, it helps.
7. Stockpile intoxicating spirits. (Obvious.)
8. Consider retiring later. Like 85.
9. Grab your ass with both hands and hold on.

As for my own personal plan, I'm going to:

1. Reduce unnecessary monthly expenses, i.e. pants.
2. Start sleeping in my car down on the Brooklyn waterfront.
3. Acquire cheaper vices, i.e. sexing the homeless.
4. Back-up job plan: assembling people's IKEA shit in exchange for gold and silver jewelry.
5. Back-up retirement plan: wandering, naked and raving, in wilderness.

Like Paul Krugman, I'm going to permit you lunatics to comment on my ideas. Go for it.


Dan Freeman said...


I'll begin smoking my mutual funds at once.

David D. said...

I am glad that you left Kyle and my last name's out of this post, so as to not get us fired from our day-jobs

Andrew Altenburg said...

Great post... but I wouldn't want any part of my member on either Palin or McCain's face. However I would be Ok with my foot booting both of them to the curb.