I need to get a few utterly unreasonable things off my chest:
I want to be put to death when I read some foodstuff referred called "kissed." As in "Sugar Kissed Butterscotch Cookies" or "Orange Kissed Fillet of Sole" or "Nutmeg Kissed Cream Tart."
I despise such dainty idiocy. Nutmeg kisses nothing. Is there nutmeg on the damn cream tart? How about calling it a nutmeg cream tart. Or just stop talking and give me the cream tart. The discussion is pointless.
I also find it infuriating when the word "fresh" is used with an upturned nose. "We only use fresh basil." This word too often betrays a sort of snobbery, i.e. "Perhaps those tomatoes are good enough for the peasants, but we only eat fresh tomatoes here." Asking if the pie is "fresh" is bullshit. It's pie. You like pie? Eat the pie.
That is not to say one cannot enjoy fresh fish. Just don't make a goddamn issue of your refined taste and freshness radar in public. Eating an orange should not be an re-enactment of The Princess and the Pea. A day old orange didn't kill your grandmother.
And finally, when you call wine "jammy" you are a tool. Everyone around you thinks so. Unless they, too, are tools. I have called wine "jammy" in weak moments. In those moments, I was a tool. Complete and utter.
That is all.
- Matthew Freeman is a Brooklyn based playwright with a BFA from Emerson College. His plays include THE DEATH OF KING ARTHUR, REASONS FOR MOVING, THE GREAT ESCAPE, THE AMERICANS, THE WHITE SWALLOW, AN INTERVIEW WITH THE AUTHOR, THE MOST WONDERFUL LOVE, WHEN IS A CLOCK, GLEE CLUB, THAT OLD SOFT SHOE and BRANDYWINE DISTILLERY FIRE. He served as Assistant Producer and Senior Writer for the live webcast from Times Square on New Year's Eve 2010-2012. As a freelance writer, he has contributed to Gamespy, Premiere, Complex Magazine, Maxim Online, and MTV Magazine. His plays have been published by Playscripts, Inc., New York Theatre Experience, and Samuel French.