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Matthew Freeman is a Brooklyn based playwright with a BFA from Emerson College. His plays include THE DEATH OF KING ARTHUR, REASONS FOR MOVING, THE GREAT ESCAPE, THE AMERICANS, THE WHITE SWALLOW, AN INTERVIEW WITH THE AUTHOR, THE MOST WONDERFUL LOVE, WHEN IS A CLOCK, GLEE CLUB, THAT OLD SOFT SHOE and BRANDYWINE DISTILLERY FIRE. He served as Assistant Producer and Senior Writer for the live webcast from Times Square on New Year's Eve 2010-2012. As a freelance writer, he has contributed to Gamespy, Premiere, Complex Magazine, Maxim Online, and MTV Magazine. His plays have been published by Playscripts, Inc., New York Theatre Experience, and Samuel French.

Monday, January 07, 2008

Six Sneezes for Sister Sarah

Written to satisfy your suggestions.

SIX SNEEZES FOR SISTER SARAH

JEANETTE and her sister, SARAH, sit over a plate of food. JEANETTE is reading the newspaper. There is a gun between then.

JEANETTE
Pollen Count is off the hizzle.

SARAH
Spare me.

JEANETTE
I was at the Laundromat and this woman started to shake uncontrollably. Something about her detergent. She swallowed her tongue.

SARAH
(picking at the food) What’s in this?

JEANETTE
It’s gluten-free, no peanuts, no fish products, and there’s no dye in it.

SARAH
Is it soy?

JEANETTE
No. It’s green.

SARAH
But no dye?

JEANETTE
They said it’s green like that naturally.

SARAH
Nothing is green like that naturally.

(Pause.)

What’s the gun for?

JEANETTE
If my throat starts to close up, I want you to shoot me. Because this is the last food that I could possibly put into my person without bursting into flames.

SARAH
I won’t shoot you. And I don’t want to be shot.

JEANETTE
I was reading this interview yesterday. The author said that we have to get everyone outta here, or the allergy crisis will get them. That we need to move somewhere without cell phones and high fructose corn syrup and genetically altered soy beans. That we should only eat things that can perform photosynthesis.

SARAH
Well fuck him, Jeanette. I am not becoming a Native American and eating leaves. You can’t erase the industrial revolution no matter what it says in Ishmael. Now, I’m going to eat this gunk and you are not going to shoot me.

(She spoons a bit of the food into her mouth. It’s disgusting. We can tell. From all outward signs. She swallows.)

There. I’ll live another day.

(She sneezes.)

JEANETTE
Pollen count.

SARAH
Yeah, yeah. You going to eat?

JEANETTE
I have no choice.

(She spoons a little green nutritional non-food into her craw. SARAH sneezes.)

Down the throat it slithers.

SARAH
Do I need the gun?

JEANETTE
My eyes are burning a little, but that’s just from the spoon I think. I also feel a new bump on my tongue. But that might be from the fact that you’re sneezing.

(SARAH sneezes.)

SARAH
Christ. My nose is filling up like an Art History class. Jesus Fucking Shit.

(SARAH sneezes. Twice.)

You’re sure there was no wheat gluten in that?

(She sneezes and clutches her throat.)

JEANETTE
If there was wheat gluten, I’d be on the toilet.

(SARAH grasps at her throat desperately.)


I think it’s mostly egg or something. Either way, I’m fine. It’s just the pollen.

(SARAH falls over, turning blue.)

It’s the flower’s that’ll get us in the end.

THE END

4 comments:

Mac said...

BRAVISSSIMO!


There's only one Matthew Alphonse Freeman.

david d. said...

Strong.

I think that this is- finally- the thing that will get optioned as a screenplay. Bought right off the Internets. You should insist that your screen credit read, "From a blog entry by Matthew Freeman".

Of course, all of us that contributed anything will sue. You know, like that lady who sued Rent, or whatever.

m. bell said...

lovely.

TD said...

That was awesome. =)